Tuesday, April 20, 2010

In Which I Am Delusional

You don't want to hear about the mess I made of things with me and Que. He's still around but...that's a tale for another time. Maybe.

Not to keep harping on this but where is my man? Seriously, where is he? I have never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, never held somebody's hand as we walked down the street. What thee fuck. I mean I guess I haven't needed a man for the past 21 years but I sure as hell have wanted one. I'm used to not having one obviously but sometimes in the dark, quiet corners of the night I wonder where my love is. Every time I console myself into thinking I'll be fine on my own I get a glimmer of hope, a wisp of a man's attentions and he says all the right things and I think, holy shit, maybe I'm not doomed! But then he reveals his true colors and I sink back down again and the walls come back up.

I think I'm not attractive. Not ugly but literally not able to attract. Que says (in a judgy and kind of condescending tone of someone who's never had a problem meeting women) that it's my fault that I keep attracting guys who just want to have sex with me and I don't present the right package and I should flirt more because he always gets the girls that he wants by flirting with them. Is that in ANY way helpful to tell someone who's borderline socially retarded and introverted? That's about as useful as telling an anorexic "to just eat something already." But he succeeds in making me feel bad about myself because, well, he has a harem so it must be me, right? I just have to remember that he's attracted to a certain type of woman and I am certainly not her and dating advice is rarely general. I guess I just have to be patient--God hasn't seen fit to put a man in my life, apparently. Y'all know patience isn't my strong suit...and it especially kind of stings hearing Que say those things because it's him. He was supposed to be the one who wanted me back. He certainly acted like he did, in the beginning, anyway, even before the sex (and I use the term "sex" loosely, for the sake of brevity), but I guess it was all lip service or he's a really good actor. He's very good at avoiding the tough stuff. We will literally talk all the way to the point of:

Me: "I wouldn't mind being your girlfriend. All you have to do is ask." Him: "But would you cook sometimes?" Me: "I'll try." Him: *crickets*

And that will be that. What am I supposed to get from that conversation? And he'll be the one to bring it up! If I really didn't think that we would make an awesome team and have so much fun together then I'd leave it at that. But I think we would. And call me crazy but I think he knows it too.

Or maybe I am just delusional and like torture...


Anonymous said...

I honestly have faith that there is an amazing man out there for you. Hell, you like sports - you're most men's dream girl!

IMO Que is not the man for you, the fact that he is judgy towards you *at all* makes me a little sad because you are fabulous - he should be telling you the things that he likes about you, not the other way around! But there are amazing men out there, for real. I know one :) There are men that will treat you like a princess but not expect you to behave like one. That will respect the fact that you are a strong woman who can do things on her own, but who also knows that sometimes you need a cuddle and someone else to do it for you.

I very much doubt that you are actually socially retarded, but you can only do what you feel comfortable with. If you start pretending and 'flirt more' then you're gonna attract guys that think you're someone that you're not. You can only be yourself. And yourself is awesome.

I know it's easy for someone else to say, but he will come along. And I better get invited to the wedding :P

---Amy xxxx

(vixenchick) said...

hey lucky! i love you!

sorry. i felt the need to get that out. : )

anyways, you are awesome and amazing....not socially retarded. any man whom you decide to grace with your presence should consider himself very lucky.

take care of yourself. love you again.



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