Saturday, December 20, 2008

All in the Family

I can't write. My words look stupid when I read them. I was going to write a filler post with a handy-dandy meme lovingly hijacked from Eb at RBW and One Ten, but as I started to fill it out, unbearable sadness flooded me. The first question got me: "10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people." My responses were more like confessions, no doubt fueled by the annoying fuckery going on at my house at the moment, therefore making them excessively negative. I just feel...low. Going to school far away did more good than I would have imagined; made me see how sheltered by the desire to please my parents I was. When I'm at school I think that I'm taking steps towards some liberation, but every time I come back home, I end up under their thumb once again. I was the good child so I don't know how to rebel properly. I feel trapped here, especially watching my parents argue with my sisters--that's the worst. Like I said, I was the good kid, but aside from getting me a scholarship into a fine institution, following the rules got me nowhere. I can't go into a store and buy something without first wondering what my mom will think. We can all gather that 95% of the time I absolutely love my family and I know how lucky I am to have such a close-knit one, but I can't help but feel crippled by its expectations sometimes. Almost like I have this inane "fear" of speaking out against my parents; I'll think something like, "you're nagging!" or worse, "you aren't here enough" and then immediately feel this unimaginable guilt--it's been made this horrifying sin to think ill of my parents at any given moment. Do you see how much pressure that is? And the fact that I end up forsaking my own will to avoid argument and succumb to my parent/mom's will so much scares me for the future--what am I going to do when it's time to plan my wedding or decorate my house? I hate that every decision I make that my mom doesn't agree with is equated to "you're just doing this to spite me." I guess I'm seeking independence. The knowledge that I'm allowed to be angry at my parents without the world stopping or me being a horrible, ungrateful child.

The next time I come home, I'm staying in a hotel.

6 comments:

Bobby_2010 said...

you ain't staying no hotel! But i feel your pain on the under their/her thumb thing.

Naturally Sarcastic said...

You shouldn't stay in a hotel! I definitely understand where you're coming from. My family dynamic was eerily similar although we were all the "good" kids, of the 4 of us... I was the one who could never speak my mind to my parents...especially Pops. I would be mad/sad/angry or whatever and hide out in my room. My sister or both sisters would come in, listen to me vent, cheer me up and then later...tell my dad how I was feeling. They were my conduits. It worked for a while too. It wasn't til I was a rising sophomore in college that I was able to speak my mind to my daddy. It takes lots and lots of courage to do so.

DBaby said...

Girl, you're growing up now, and part of that is being able to decide for you and saying the hell with what your parents or anyone else may think/say. Sometimes, you just really need to sit back and decide what will really make you happy. Like I always say, if you spend your life trying to please everybody else (especially parents), you will never please yourself. You just have to get to the point where you live for you.

Lucky said...

Thanks for all the advice, guys! I just feel like I will be able to carve out who I am and what I like if I just have my own space (and own money! etc). My main goal is, I think, to figure myself out apart from being my parents' kid, ya know?

Bobby_2010 said...

that's what I've been waiting to hear the whole time I've known you!!

Lucky said...

Right? I say that but actually DOING it is the part I haven't figured out yet!