I don't quite know where this is coming from, but...
Sometimes I feel like the decisions I make aren't my own. Like a lot of my actions are determined by so many other things besides what I actually want. I feel like I'm censored to the point where I have to manipulate myself into thinking that the things I do are what I want when sometimes nothing is farther from the truth. I recognize this because the moments that I do what I really want are so joyous and precious and just...free. Before I have to deal with the backlash that unfortunately seem to go along with doing whatever the hell I want, by myself or in whoever's company in which I choose to be. Really and truly doing what I want is harder than it seems, or maybe I'm making it that way. I don't know...the non-ability to decide what I really want has plagued me for awhile, and I guess this particular insecurity is rearing its ugly head once more, just in time for final exams.
I'm stressy...I have papers to write and tests to study for and I just really want to go home, away from these people and this...place. I'll keep you posted on whether or not I lose my mind.
PS--I'm starved for affection [horny]. Fuck.
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