I learned my lesson about writing about specific guys too much on here, but I started a story about the guy from the film screening and I owe you a "what happened next" post.
On Monday, I did indeed go over to his place, where we talked for a few hours on his floor. Well, I did the brunt of the talking. There was lots of flirting on both ends, no real physical contact. We texted almost all day on Tuesday, and somehow the texting turned dirty. I forget who started it, but I think we all know I'm no stranger to sexual innuendo, so I played right along. Key word: played. Well, on my end.
We were supposed to hang out again on Tuesday, but I got stuck doing stuff for the Paper and we had to cancel. Earlier today, when I asked him what he was doing later, he responded, "U." This is when I started to panic: all our flirty/textual filth had me writing checks that my ass couldn't cash, literally. I am not/was not looking for sex, but it became clear that he was and thought I was as well. I vented this to various friends, fearing that once he found out these legs were closed, he would be, as the expression goes, so over me. The response from pals I got was I shouldn't want someone who would be over me just because we wouldn't be sleeping together anyway. Point taken.
Anyway, I sort of eased into the "no sex clause" (this is all through texting still) and the answer was not a happy one. He pretty much said he was looking for sex and thought I was, too. So I asked him if that was it, are we "over" if there's no sex? He said he "wouldn't say that" but went on to, well, say it. I expressed my position, apologizing for leading him on and saying that I'd like us to hang out still but sex wouldn't be part of the equation. When I got home a half-hour later, I called him up to maybe clarify, talk it out; no answer. That was at 10:30pm. It is now past midnight.
So yeah. My worries were pretty much confirmed: I told him "no sex" and he told me "well then peace out, bitch." I guess I'm sad about what "could have" been: he hadn't given me a chance to explain that making out/rounding a base or two were still perfectly viable options.
If you're wondering why I'm making such a big deal about this, well, it's time for me to come clean: I'm still a virgin. I talk a lot of filth, but I am still quite, ahem, untried. In every sense. Not for particular religious beliefs or anything, at this point it's just because I haven't found anybody worth fucking. Yes, including you, Film Screening Guy. I didn't tell him this, and waffled on whether or not I should, but somehow I doubt that would change things if he was just out for sex to begin with.
This instance does not bolster my faith in future dating prospects and boy-kind in general: how the hell does a 20-year-old female virgin navigate within a 2009 world of men who expect and are used to regular helpings of ass? We virgs are a rare breed, after all. I'm a little annoyed right now, actually. I cleaned my room for this yahoo. I try to look for the lesson in things, like "why did this happen," and so far I can't come up with anything except for to remind me that "yes, Lucky, you are still [and will probably forever be] a virgin. Still." Thanks for the update, world.
So yeah.
Some days, hell, most days, I wish I wasn't holding my V-Card. Especially in situations like this. Even though I wouldn't have sex with Film Screening Guy after knowing him for FIVE WHOLE FUCKING DAYS. Maybe I should buy a t-shirt that says "Virgin" to alleviate any misconceptions. Internets, a) don't laugh at me. I am fragile. 2) answer me this: what could I have done differently in this situation? Shut down the dirty texting ASAP? Inform him of my virginity the first time he brought up sex in conversation? Let the Smoker deflower me last year to get it over with already? Censor myself/stop talking about sex with such exuberance so as not to send the wrong idea? I never tell people I'm a virg, never say I'm not, let people draw their own conclusions, but tell the truth if asked directly. This involves lots of conversational sidestepping and vague answers, in case you were wondering.
It may not be easy when you're sleazy but it's just as hard when you're not.
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7 comments:
Don't get yourself down about it, I know it sucks but he is clearly missing out if he doesn't want to get to know you. I'm sure you'd be surprised how many people are virgins, don't fret about it - half of my friends are and they're only a year younger than you. The right guy will come along, and you'll be glad that you waited. If he was just looking for sex then he obviously wasn't the nice guy you thought he was, and if he knew how awesome you are he would so be kicking himself for being such an asshole to you!
Much love xxxx
Thanks girl...i'm trying to believe that it's his loss but i can't help still feeling like once again, something/some guy came along and once again, i promptly ran him off. After five days. That's gotta be a record...
Repeat to self: it's his loss. it's his loss. it's his loss...
I think it's cool that you are still a virgin. It's important to you and you should hold on to that as long as it feels right for you.
As for when to shut things down? I think a lot of guys, too many guys, don't know how to flirting without thinking that it's going to lead to sex.
From a guy's point of view, it would be nice to know that sex is not in the cards, for two reasons:
(1) We won't get our hopes up. Sexy texts, flirting, innuendo are all part of the meeting and dating regime these days, and through e-mail and text we say things we would never say private.
(2) If we decide to date you it is with full understanding about "The Sex Question." Some guys will ask you out as a challenge to see if they can be "first in." Others will date you because you are "safe" and nice.
You didn't say how far "around the bases" you would let a guy go, but you may want to bring that in to the flirting to tease and test him a bit. And to let him know that some fun can be had.
Stick to your guns and do what is right for you.
Advizor, I like, monumentally appreciate your comments. An extremely helpful look into the male psyche! Next time I (ahem, inevitably) have guy troubles I expect/look forward to your .02 cents! ;)
For the record -- and despite the ridiculousness that occasionally overtakes my blog -- I didn't swipe the V-Card til the summer after sophomore year of college, shortly before my 2-0. To each their own pace.
Advizor brings up good points. I have a friend who wrote a spoken word piece about this very situation, can see if she'd be willing to email it along.
Whatever you do, and this probably goes without saying, just try and find a really nice, considerate guy that knows what he's doing physically and emotionally. You don't have to stay together forever, or even be boyfriend/girlfriend at all, but it'll be a much better experience than rushing into it.
That said, it might be best to wait for a potential partner as most guys will be intimidated by an assumption (rightly or wrongly?) that as you've never had sex before you won't be looking for a one night or casual affair.
BB: "I didn't swipe the V-Card til the summer after sophomore year of college, shortly before my 2-0."
Really? But you're so COOL! :P
Jake: "That said, it might be best to wait for a potential partner as most guys will be intimidated by an assumption (rightly or wrongly?) that as you've never had sex before you won't be looking for a one night or casual affair."
And I'm assuming that is basically what happened here. Jake, you're so wise :]
Seriously, menfolk, all of your insight is keeping me from going crazy with "where's his head at" anxiety, thanks a mil!
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