I want to go back to New York City so badly, it's killing me. We went on spring break our freshman year. It was so cold! But I loved it, it was the most beautiful city I've ever been to.
More than that, though, I think I want want New York always seems to represent. In the middle of its grit, it's meanness, it's rawness, the city has a wildness. A freedom. A dirty, carefree glamour that I crave and that I fear only can be found in my dreams about the city that never sleeps. I'm scared that my time is running out. I'm young, so young. In years and in the sense that I have not done anything wild or impulsive or gloriously freeing. The fact that college is almost over, though, makes me feel old. I want a well-lived life and I often feel like it's passing me by. I think too much, analyze, calculate, manipulate (in a cautious way, not a vindictive one) and it has kept me safe for 20 years. But in the comfort of that safety lies boredom and, I'm afraid one day, resentment and unhappiness--my ultimate fear.
I don't want to be bored, or scared. It's just life, right?
More than that, though, I think I want want New York always seems to represent. In the middle of its grit, it's meanness, it's rawness, the city has a wildness. A freedom. A dirty, carefree glamour that I crave and that I fear only can be found in my dreams about the city that never sleeps. I'm scared that my time is running out. I'm young, so young. In years and in the sense that I have not done anything wild or impulsive or gloriously freeing. The fact that college is almost over, though, makes me feel old. I want a well-lived life and I often feel like it's passing me by. I think too much, analyze, calculate, manipulate (in a cautious way, not a vindictive one) and it has kept me safe for 20 years. But in the comfort of that safety lies boredom and, I'm afraid one day, resentment and unhappiness--my ultimate fear.
I don't want to be bored, or scared. It's just life, right?
2 comments:
Smart girl, wanting to go back to NYC.
;)
right? i absolutely loved it and am so jealous you get to experience it every day :( i WILL be back!
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