I'll Look Forever if I Have To

Those of you who've been around tGitG for awhile may remember last spring, when things just weren't going my way. I butted heads with friends, school, and guys. I used to have "good days" and "bad days," often in back-to-back succession.

It's about that time again, and while certain things have tried to reappear, I am making a conscious effort to feel better, do better, and be better. I really do think that your attitude determines the outcome of your life, and believe even more in learning from your mistakes and past experiences.

Last year I just felt like I was at the bottom of this dark, funky pit...I'd try to get out but something would drop-kick me right back down into it. I went through so many emotions on almost a daily basis, but one I remember most vividly, more than the helplessness or the loneliness, was the fear. The bottom of that pit was one of the scariest places I have ever been in my life. There was this fear that I would always be down there or that no one could or would pull me out. But one of the best things that happened was that *I* managed to pull my own self out. And when I say that I mean that I let myself be pulled out with support from a few lifesaving people (you know who you are!) and God.

Looking back at my state of mind last spring, I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to gear my life so that I wouldn't ever go back to that pit again. And for the most part, it works. But the calendar goes by and I start to measure my "progress" in all areas of life, I do feel a little bit of anxiety that things will start to go wrong again. I feel somewhat content, but I remember feeling the same contentment last year, just before things got rocky. I also feel like something's missing in my life right now, and I distinctly remember feeling this way last year, so needless to say, I'm tripped out about that as well: The Smoker came in around this time and he was supposed to fill that void and we know how that turned out. I'm having the same feelings but I don't want the same results. I can't go back there. I just...cannot.

So I'd be lying if I said I'm not slightly unsettled by anything that seems to be a repeat or remnant from that time in my life. I feel like I'm just floating on by, and sometimes I welcome numbness because it's better than sadness. I'm a little afraid, but even more, I'm afraid of being just "there," of settling, of being the person who could have had so much more. I want to be happy. The search for happiness, however, doesn't daunt me. Instead, I feel like I'm going to have fun searching for happiness. Where does one start looking for happiness?