Friday, April 11, 2008

I Apologize for Being Difficult

But you, dear, Internet, are just going to have to be my proverbial shoulder to lean on.

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Keeping the world at arm's length is not without its own turmoil. I tried to be strong, but it stings just as badly. Maybe that means I'm still weak. Or maybe I just fall hard. Building a wall keeps people out just as much as it keeps me in. I miss being giddy and light-headed. Recently somewhere between that and fear I got this idea that to preserve myself from getting hurt, I just wouldn't care. Fast forward to the realization that it's just not for me. It feels too-much like game-playing. I really do like and care about the Boy a lot, I'm just so afraid of getting hurt. There it is. Yes, it's casual and whatnot but that doesn't stop me from wanting. And that scares me because I've wanted before, and it ended in me doubting everything from my sexiness to my self-worth. I can't be blase about liking somebody...I'm a girl who loves to love. But not without fear--that crippling fear that I'll be made a fool of. When I tried to remain detached, I just ended up feeling cruddy. And mean.

Maybe this is my inexperience shining through in all of its paralyzing glory? I'll be okay, though. I always am. Don't worry about me, y'all. Honest. I'll be just fine.

I hung out with Top Chef this afternoon. He's a really good friend. I really needed to just talk and laugh and be okay. And for a few hours, over 20 Questions and chicken fingers, I was.


Cara said...

Don't apologise for being difficult hun. It's YOUR blog, write whatever you want to write in it. It's about you and your feelings. Whether it is difficult or not, it's none our business.

By the way, you seem crippled by fear. Don't you know that fear can kill your soul?

Read this book please.

Read it....IT CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE. For the better :-) You might be able to find it cheaper on ebay.

And watch this video if you can.

Cara said...

Oops, for the video you can a better link

Lucky said...

Cara, you've been absolutely great. Thanks for all of the advice!


Bobby_2010 said...

Stop worrying about the what ifs...and stop being scared of what might happen...take the plunge, at least then you don't have to go insane worrying about what if...please just take a chance, that way you will know how to deal with whatever else may happen...hell, if you need to cry...cry your damn eyes out...just stop being scared...and stop apologizing! :-D

Plus, you are entitled to feelings just like anyother person...including the Boy. Do what ever it is that you feel is necessary to confront the issues, don't just let them fester. and maybe a little meditating and prayer would help the situation..and listen for THE answer...not the answer you want!