One Tree Hill Reality Index

The mighty New York Magazine, of Go Fug Yourself fame, recaps Gossip Girl and sometimes, the Hills, every week, and it is nothing short of stupendous each time. I want to meet Chris and Jessica so bad! But until that happens, I decided to give recapping a show a shot. Except, knowing I couldn't do their GG posts justice, I did One Tree Hill instead. So, here's a very unscientific tally of what was real and what wasn't in this week's episode. Onward, bound!

Realer than Nathan Feeling Entitled to Wear #23 For the Rest of His Career
-True to Leyton form, the news of Peyton's pregnancy is only met with "I love yous," squinting, and happy tears. Remember when Haley was pregnant? She freaked out--and rightfully so! Peyton and Lucas are so blissfully unaware of how the world works. Plus 3, though, because they are older and they are, you know, Meant For Each Other. We deserve the right to renege if there isn't any "gonna be a parent" freakout in a future episode.
-Mouth's secret feelings of inadequacy fuel both of his arguments: first, he thinks Millie has no reason to come crawling back to him, then he has no choice to get mad because those feelings are totally validated when she manages to sleep with Owen the hot bartender. Plus 3 for Millie letting Mouth know that she does, indeed, got it like that.
-Brooke totally has on a "quest to find my missing daughter" jacket. With what looks like Chuck Taylors. We have never seen this before; she must be seriously distressed. Plus 3
-Plus 4 for "Protect and serve, my ass!" Cliche, but who hasn't wanted to say that to a non-helpful officer of the law?
-Plus 4 for Haley being so happy when Nate got the call. Finally! she thinks. Two paychecks!
-Plus 5 for those shots of Nathan's bulging biceps. Ooo-er.
-Even though it's been a while since elementary school, it's nice to know that "Pizza Fridays" are still something to look forward to. Plus 2 because I still usually only eat pizza on Fridays.
-Speaking of which, the B-League doesn't actually exist. Plus 2 if they actually meant the D-League, which really is like minor-league basketball, because then it's realistic that only 1 or 2 players has a shot to go pro.
-North Carolina really did used to have a D-League team. Plus 3 for recognizing the market.
-Plus 2 for that hideous Charleston Chiefs jersey. It's so fitting to let players know that they are not actually in the NBA by giving them ugly jerseys.
-Plus 3 for Mia's "Whoa, blast from the past!" about the hoodie, because everyone says that when presented with their old clothes.
-Jamie is kind of gullible for believing when Andre says that his mother gave him permission, but Plus 2, because when you're a kid, thinking you have permission to do something is almost the same as actually having it.
-Also, Plus 2 for Jamie leaving a note. He's been kidnapped before, he knows what's up.
-That Jack Daniels (if that's his real name) is bad news: he should've helped Sam out the window first, but Plus 2 because it's so in character that he'd jump out first--kid is kind of dumb.
-Plus 3 for Jamie saying, "We should Google that." All of the adults in his life are like 22. All we do is Google stuff.
-Plus 1 for Andre and Jamie. They're so cute together, and a virtual high-five for not making Andre the comedic sidekick (ahem, Skills).
-Plus 1 for Brooke still trying to be a cool mom, in spite of being in way over her head, by not taking Peyton along to rescue Sam.
-Luke just could not wait to say, "I just found out I'm going to be a father." He's kind of douchey, and that statement will give him a pass to justify just about anything. Plus 2
-Haley figures out that Peyton's preggers in like, a second. Plus 2 because she's so much smarter than everyone else. She even knows not to rain on Peyton's parade because everyone kind of rained on hers when she got knocked up.
-They killed Uncle Keith, Jimmy Edwards, and Nanny Carrie, but Brooke takes the High Road and doesn't kill her assailant. Plus 1 because she's a) a Changed Woman, 2) not Dan Scott.

Faker than Nathan Going to Practice in Skinny Jeans
-Minus 2 for Peyton's absurdly long fingernails. She strikes me as a nail biter.
-This has been bothering me for awhile: why is Naley in the black, pushing Range Rovers? His shoe deal that wasn't? Please. If Nate's downfall was drastic enough to hurt his rep, wouldn't we see finance ramifications, too? Minus 4
-If Sam doesn't get better backstory, like why she's soo important the whole town's looking for her, she's gotta go. Minus 4 because her presence annoys me.
-This episode reeked of The Devil Wears Prada. Devon calling Nate "15" is the new, "Wake up, six." And Paul wanting to fire Julian was very Bart Bass meets Miranda Priestly. Minus only 2, because at least Paul didn't demand that Lucas fire Julian.
-This deserves a separate point: why are all of Nathan's black teammates so mean to him? Quentin, those guys at the combine, this Devon character? WTF? It's like Mark Schwann still thinks he's making Coach Carter. Minus 4
-When Nate's playing ball he gets his shot blocked. Minus 2 because didn't Quentin teach him anything?
-How, exactly, is the Murdering Older Brother trying to play his interaction with Brooke? Is he trying to be mysterious, because he's actually acting kind of gay. Minus 3
-Ok. This must be Sophia Bush's horror movie career side coming out...this guy beat
your ass, what would posess you to go back inside? Minus only 1, because we later see that she's armed. She clearly is not thinking straight, what with all that latent leftover anger.
-Finally, Minus 2 for Lucas bringing Peyton a rose. She is so not a roses girl.

So there you have it, folks! If you don't watch One Tree Hill then this was probably boring for you, but I just wanted to take a stab at filling Daily Intel's shoes (learned: it's hard to be clever and snarky!). Maybe I'll do another show soon. Hope you enjoyed it! PS, I would actually add them up, but I'm too lazy...