Patrolling for Slimmies

**Bonus points and congratulatory Cheetos to the person knows what TV show the title of this post is from!**

Just so y'all think I'm not exaggerating, during today's LONG Paper Meeting I decided to perform at evaluatory evaluation of the menfolk of the newspaper staff, you know, to see if I'm missing something. Survey says that no, I am not, even without factoring looks into the equation. I know, I know, I am all heart.

Starting from the left corner and going around the circle:

-Mr. Always in a Suit: Let's be honest: too intelligent. And has a white girlfriend.

-Mr. Psuedo-Worldly Journalist: Long-winded, presumptuous and probably has d*ck-cheese.

-Mr. I Can't Say Hello EVER: Um, if he grew a little and wiped the smug "I'm in a fraternity" look off of his face.

-Mr. Arts Editor: Gay.

-Mr. Red Vans and Fresh Line-up: Probably gay.

-Mr. I Wear Braces: Always nervous. Poor guy.

-Mr. Can't Remember His Name Even Though He's My Writer: Too quiet. Could probably slap him around a little, too, which is never attractive.

-Mr. Other Sports Guy: Always dusty and crusty. Plus we got into that huge fight that one time.

-Mr. Wears the Funny Furry Hat: Just...no.

But there was some silver lining:

-Mr. Virtually Ignored Me at an Awards Banquet Once: Would secretly let him bang, but we'd have to take separate cars and he'd have to sneak out the back door.

Although my survey was funny at the moment, it did heavily reinforce the sad fact that the search, indeed, goes on. It is a good thing that, even in These Trying Times, I still have my wit.