Another Plea

I'm a nice girl. That's always been my thing. I'm a "very nice girl." In this day and age of bitchiness being the equivalent of successful and the whole "nice guys finish last" syndrome, I'm starting to wonder if my "niceness" is misplaced. If niceness isn't another way of saying pushover, doormat or even weak.

At times it seems like I can play the speak first, think later, fiery loudmouth game. But I never feel like that's the real me. But at the same time, sometimes I feel as if I hold back or don't say what's on my mind so as not to tip the scale. I don't want to get walked on, though. Like, say someone did something a little rude or took advantage of me and I let it go. In the back of my mind I always think, could I ever do that to someone? Was I weak to give in and not stand my ground, even if it would have caused a commotion?

Generally, though, I think that I am considerate. I really don't like confrontation; I'd rather just let it go and not sweat the small stuff. But I fear that one day I will give into something not so small just because I'm too afraid to do anything otherwise.

Sigh. I just float along and then sometimes I get so angry about things that happened to me that I can't bring up again because it would cause a ruckus that took awhile to get through in the first place. I want to let it go; I feel like I'm not in control of my thoughts. Sometimes there's so much bubbling under the surface I don't know what to do. I think this year I really will get out of my own way and see a therapist. I kind of don't want to rip the Band-Aid off and explore what I really have going on, but I know I have to, even if there's crying to a complete stranger involved. I've been able to stem the tide thus far but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to. Once I get past these barriers I can figure out what I want in life and actually set out to achieve it.

That first step is the hardest. I've been going on and on about "starting over" and "letting go" but I have no earthly idea how to go about it. I need to kick my own ass and at least start taking baby steps to better myself and start living the life I know I deserve.

I was born by the river in a little tent
Oh and just like the river I've been running ever since
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

It's been too hard living but I'm afraid to die
Cause I don't know what's up there beyond the sky
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

I go to the movie and I go downtown
Somebody keep telling me don't hang around
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

Then I go to my brother
And I say brother help me please
But he winds up knocking me
Back down on my knees

Ohhhhhhhhh.....

There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I think I'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

"A Change is Gonna Come"-Sam Cooke