Saturday, July 5, 2008

Inspiration Pending...Stay Tuned

I will be asleep soon, I promise.

Hodge-podge: (n) a heterogeneous mixture. Lucky's persona.

You know how some people are all, "I am who I am no matter who I'm with, what you see is what you get, I'm real all the time,"? I wish I had that luxury. Not that I'm fake, just extremely multi-dimensional, perhaps. Different ways on different days. Sometimes it bothers me because I'm unsure of who I am at my essence. I've never sat down to really figure it out. What's the criteria for an essence, anyway? I'm having trouble expressing myself, my true self. As a result, because I don't know which way to go, I get complacent and go nowhere, or worse, go plain and unadorned. For example, if you ask me to picture my perfect room, I would draw a complete blank, and end up in something totally bland, you know? I can't find anything that accurately describes or encapsulates me--sometimes it seems like I'm all over the place and can't pinpoint the style or philosophy or lifestyle that I want for myself.

I guess that can be a good thing, a lot of things make me happy or satisfy me. Along with being "mysterious," I can keep 'em guessing. But I also feel like it's cheating in a way because I can never narrow anything down. Nothing ever seems both coherent and authentic, just a thrown-together montage. It scares me a little, honestly. Like, there's nothing uniquely "me" about my environment. I have a little bit of everything, but I want it to be more exclusive, like, you could look at something and without a doubt think, "oh, that must belong to Lucky," because it represents me so well.

I have an idea, though (solution-based problem-solving!). I will revert to the artistic days of my youth. Maybe I'll be a total dork and make a collage or something, maybe that will help me get an idea of who I am and what I like. Or maybe it will just force me to step back, look at the bigger picture, and realize that maybe being all over the place isn't such a bad place to be.

2 comments:

molly said...

All over the place is totally ok! And much more fun. The problem is when you're starting in a relationship and your quirks confuse the other person ("You know I don't like people talking to me before 9am!" True story, I don't) ... while single, embrace those dimensions, you don't have anyone else to soothe and live among peaceably

Lucky said...

LOL, I know where you're coming from, one morning grouch to another! True, this is probably the only time where I can live (almost) exactly how I want without having to answer to anyone. That's a good way of looking at it!