Sunday, April 6, 2008

Fear is in the Eye of the Beholder

If I could just find someone to talk to, everything would begin to make sense. It's not just that, though. I can't ask for help. Who knows what would come spilling out if I actually articulate the things that plague me? That crippling fear is what keeps me from actually talking to that hypothetical someone. I don't know what it would take for me to just let out my questions, fears, ideas. I'd have to be certain that...what? I wouldn't be judged or considered weak? I like to think that I'd just know that I could trust that person with whatever I had to say. I also don't like to cry. It's embarrassing. Minor as it seems, the possibility that I'd cry in the midst of it all is the most horrifying of all.

"The fear means I'm close. The fear means I'm ready."

It has to be on my terms, I think. I can't be interrogated. We'd just have to be talking and there'd have to be a trust, an intimacy, in the air for me to just "let it out."

I have moments where I get really introspective and probably a little dramatic, but then I turn around and look at the card posted on my desk that says, "Happiness is a series of choices." I believe in choosing to be happy. I honestly don't think I'm as "messed up" or as big of a "train-wreck" as I think I am on my worst days. Insecure at times, a little fearful, somewhat unsure of who or what I am at my essence, but not completely fucked up. A conversation with the Boy actually sparked that thought, and I've been thinking it over all day and came to that conclusion; that I am not as messed up as I think I am. I know, I know, I shouldn't deal with all of this just for a guy, and I'm not. This will help me in the long run, and help from anywhere is always appreciated, and the fact that such advice came from a sleepy-eyed boy who makes me weak in the knees is just a bonus :)

Whatever we turn out to be, at the very least, being with you taught me a lot about myself. In addition to making me happier than I've been in a long time. So thanks, babe, wherever you are..

On a lighter note, I am happy to report that Laundry Watch 2008 is officially over!


The question, is, however, who's gonna put that sh*t away??

Oh, my Lordy..there's going to be an MTV series called "The Paper"!!!! The tagline is, "Who's gonne be Editor-in-Chief?" There is a strong possibility that I will tune in.

Fun as this weekend was, I'm pooped. If I can finish Shakespeare, Spanish, update my Ipod, and take a shower before 10pm, I will consider it a Sunday well-spent. Even if I did sleep in 'til about 3pm. I know, right? Blame that one on the Boy. What kept us up so late, you ask? Yahtzee and hot cocoa, of course...


Cara said...

Hey girl, if you ever need to chat I am here for you. Let me know via email and we can meet up via IM, or you can always click on the

"Chat with Cara Hurley"

link on my blog when I am available so we can talk. I'm technically insane so I will not judge you.



Lucky said...

"technically insane" LOL
I really, really appreciate that, Cara. Don't be surprised if I take you up on that one of these days!