Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I Wish I Were on a Rooftop Somewhere

There is so much that I want to say. I want to be fearless again.

I see myself from the outside looking in, always a step ahead, deciding how to play the situation, which cards to lay on the table and which to keep to myself. It's gotten so that I can't really decipher my own feelings. I can't look at things objectively anymore. Everything always has a hidden meaning, or an underlayer. Or does it? Am I so caught up in playing the game that I can't keep up with myself? Does that make sense? Am I playing according to plan and staying a step ahead or am I making mountains out of molehills by analyzing every little detail? If nothing else, how do you know if someone's "worth it?" Is there a checklist to determine a proper level of "worthiness"? I know you're supposed to just "know" but I know from experience that I can manipulate my own thoughts and make myself believe something. I just like to know where I stand, that's all. In life in general. And yes, with the people around me as well. This isn't supposed to be hard. But I won't apologize for my thoughts. Or, hell, my actions. They're mine to make.

I think I'm going crazy. I should have gone to therapy this morning but I flaked out. Again. It could have been some preventative action. Right now I would pick up the phone and try and make sense of this but it's not charged. A sign? Was it also a sign when as I reached the shuttle bus on the way back to campus it took off? Screw that, it just pissed me off. That walk left me alone with my thoughts...dangerous.

I felt a million miles away from you. There are so many questions I would ask if I weren't afraid of the answer. I need an outlet. Preferably a physical one that requires little talking. (Whoa. That sounded a little dirty.)

Right now I'm supposed to be packing for my business trip (I'm calling it a business trip), but I got distracted. My old computer shut down unexpectedly (hence its replacement) so I can't transfer my Ipod playlists to my new one. That's right, folks. Connie the computer has been replaced. But if I have to lug both computers to NC just so I can charge my Ipod, you'd better believe I will.

Happy Earth Day. Recycle. Don't smoke. Hug a tree. Plant a flower. Kiss somebody properly (that will save the world because I wholeheartedly believe that proper kissing yields endorphins and the world needs a little happiness). And last but not least, save water; shower together.

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