Monday, June 23, 2008

Ironing Makes Me Think

It does. Because it's such a mundane task, my mind can't help but wander off. Most of the time I think about the same things. What was my degree of responsibility in this situation? What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen again? Most importantly, how can I resolve this within myself and move on completely? I seem to be stuck. I feel like I have a catalog of experiences under my belt, but I don't know what to take from them so they won't be categorized in my mind as "mistakes" or "embarrassing/awkward situations" but just "things that happened." You know? I'm not sure what lesson I'm supposed to learn or take from each situation. It also feels like I'm making much ado about nothing; I doubt anyone else is reflecting this much on the past year to the extent that I am, where I feel like I have to change myself because too many things went awry.

I know I need to change but where do I begin? Yes, that's it. It's like I have a huge room to clean but have no idea where to start. Maybe I need a book of some sort. We know the whole therapy thing doesn't work for me; it embarrasses me tremendously. Maybe I just need to call Bestest Friend Ever (BFE/BFF). Oh, wait...I just spotted my Bible. Those who know me know that I'm not usually in the business of going to church, but I do have my own strong relationship with Big Guns Upstairs (if you catch my drift), contrary to popular belief. Maybe God is the answer to my prayers. Well, you know what I mean.

Today I went to the grad party of Lil' Gymnast, a girl I used to cheer with in high school. Bless her heart, she's one of those girls who always has a doting boyfriend.** She'd "upgraded" to a new boy from the last time I saw her, and dammit if I wasn't a teensy bit jealous! Of her and her BF, not that she was embarking on college, having no idea what lay (lie?) ahead. I don't think I'd go back to that place in my life. I've got too much to look forward to to worry about going backwards. My high school friends/cheer teammates Fashion Student and Scoop were there, too. It was sweet, seeing them. I hadn't seen them since January. Also, seeing them made me feel like I have grown since high school: I've made positive changes, accomplished goals, gotten my eyebrows waxed regularly, etc etc.

**This has been a common occurrence. Everybody at VS and the TV Station either has a boyfriend, a husband (!), or the upper-ear piercing that I want. Dammit, world, when is it gonna be MY turn?! I usually subscribe to the "be happy with what you have" and "your time will come" schools of thought but my jealous and impatient sides do sometimes rear their ugly heads. Especially with things of a boyfriendy nature.

Anyway, back to my original inquiry: where do I begin? The top? The inside? New shoes? Seriously, I'm flying blind, here. Guide me, o wise Internet! Or at least point me in the direction of a self-help book and a funny movie. Much obliged!

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